What I Can Choose

I'm teaching at the college this semester.  The college didn't bother to tell me I was on the schedule until they called the day after I missed the first class to ask why I wasn't there.  The class is on Wednesday evenings so I was rushing around still trying to get ready yesterday afternoon, in between dealing with Princess and BFF, who got out of school early due to exams and had yoga in the afternoon.

Princess freaked out because we left 7 minutes late for yoga.  Totally spazzed in the car.  Pulled handfuls of her own hair out of her head.   It was heartbreaking to watch and I felt so overwhelmed and powerless by her pain.

I got her calmed down and sent her in to yoga so I could finish preparing for my class.  I took BFF home and let Princess go the fist class with he, which is our tradition.  She loves watching me teach.  (She'll stay with Hubster the rest of the semester.)

She was exhausted, but hyper and unable to relax enough to sleep for a long time when we got home.  Finally, I started tapping on her and she fell asleep within minutes.

I forgot to bring home food for the cats who were completely out.  I gave them chopped chicken, but they weren't happy and their revolt woke Princess up.  She moved to the couch and I tapped her back to sleep.

I was fried, though.  Nuked.

I got her off to school fine this morning and then headed out to get cat food.  I got to the car and realized I had no shoes on.  I went back for shoes and then realized once I pulled out of our driveway that I didn't have my purse.

On the way to the store, I thought, "enough."  I can't continue letting Hubster and Princess's anxiety impact me to the point of being unable to function.  That isn't helpful to any of us.

My child is over the top anxious right now.  It's a combination of her medication no longer working (and possibly making things worse), exams at school and Mommy leaving her for the weekend in March.

I have a call in to her psychiatrist, have spent hours researching alternative providers (not many options), have dusted off the tapping and some other tools we've used in the past and ordered some new tools.

I'm trying to stay calm, talk her through the crazy before, during and after, be mindful of Hubster and seek support.  I've been open with BFF's mom about what's going on, posted here and on my FB trauma mom groups and had a long chat with a friend who has struggled with mental illness herself since she was a child (and am meeting her at Starbuck's this afternoon.)

I can't take this away from Princess.  As much as I wish I could, I'm just not magic.  I also can't order or will her to knock it off any more than I could tell her to stop having a seizure if she was epileptic.  This isn't something I can control.

However, I can control how I respond to it and how I choose to help myself get through this stressful time.  I know if I'm calmer and more relaxed, it just might trickle down a tiny bit.

Sure, I'll keep trying to teach her tools and better options when she's losing it.  But I can't control it.  And I know she can't either in many ways, which is why I'm working on getting more help.

Making sure I'm getting what I need to take care of myself is something I can control, though.  I can make sure I'm eating healthy foods, exercising, getting enough sleep and taking time for things that relax me (like tapping, being silly, spending time with Hubster and being social once in a while).  These things make me a stronger, healthier and just an all around better mom, wife, worker and self.

I owe it to all of us to take control of making sure I'm getting what I need so I don't end up curled in the fetal position in a corner, covered in balls of cat hair that we don't sweep up often enough unable to function for days on end because my tank simply ran out of fuel.

I choose to fill my tank.