I love you. That never changes. What happened this morning isn't okay, though. Hitting and biting are never okay. I appreciate you called from school to apologize. I know you thought that would be enough and were upset to learn it wasn't. Sweet Girl, when you make the types of choices you did this morning, we have to to talk about it.
Hearing that made you so mad you threatened to hit me some more. That doesn't help matters. I'm sorry you are struggling with making safe choices right now.
I know you have a hard time being away from me and going to school is very scary - especially on the first day back after a break. You knew today was a school and that you had to go. You have plenty of tools and I am always willing to help you use them.
You chose not to use your tools or let me help you.
You decided to:
- lie to BFF and her mom
- disobey me
- take the phones from me
- bite me until I dropped the keys
- then lock me outside (in my nightgown!)
- punch me
- throw rocks at me
- be disrespectful with your words and actions
You made those choices. No one else. They were your decisions. You are responsible for them.
You didn't wnat to go to school and you made choices that you thought would get you your way.
It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to be anxious. Those are your feelings and they are okay.
It's even okay to be mad at me when I tell you you're going to school anyway.
The actions you chose to make this morning are NOT okay. Hitting and biting are never okay.
I am exhausted. My body hurts. I will be resting tonight. If I can't get the peace I need at home, I'm going to go out for a while. But I will come back. I will always come back.
You are going to help me fold the laundry on the couch and make dinner (leftover chili). You are also going to write an apology note to BFF and her mom for lying to them. Or you can call them to apologize if you prefer - your choice.
I want you to think about these questions. I'll be waiting on your answers. You can type your answers if you want or we can just talk. There will be no TV tonight, but you can use your computer to type the answers if you want. You can even email them to me if you prefer. Or we can just talk about them.
1. What did you do?
2. What are you going to do about it?
3. We don't want this to happen again. What should we do to make sure it doesn't?
4. If this DOES happen again, what should we do?
I truly do love you more than you could ever imagine. What happened this morning hasn't changed that. Nothing will. My job is to keep you safe. You did not act in a safe way today and that isn't okay. We'll get through this.
I love you,
Mommy
Tears in my eyes. This is FABULOUS! Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteFirst copy was ripped up, but I had extras printed and ready to go.
DeleteThank you! Thank you for sharing that. I am dealing with similar things and did not think of trying this. You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI cry so easily, which triggers her shame so letter writing works well. She has a hard time taking both criticism and praise from Hubster, so letters also work for them.
Deleteyou're such a good mommy!!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I wasn't feeling it yesterday, but today I'm better!
DeleteHOw are things going with your sweetie?
DeleteNicely done with the note. I know you're all going to make it through all this and I know it'll be hard. I will say that Princess is getting older now. Which, of course is still emotionally younger than most 12 year olds, but she's still 12. Have you considered adjusting her "consequences" since she's older? I (not a trauma mama, so take what I say with a grain of salt) feel like it would encourage her to use her tools more and help her deal with her emotions in a more controlled way. I know it stresses her out but would the stresses not help her to deal with her emotions more? just a suggestion. I think you're great and whatever you do, Princesses will be great.
ReplyDeleteMy hope is always to get her to where she can deal with life like a healthy 12-year-old. Healthy being the key word because I don't want her to be like so many of the kids her age I see! :-)
DeleteI would love to know how asking the questions worked out for you guys. Its been fairly sucessful here.
ReplyDeleteWriting about it now! Thanks for the questions. Those are the sentiments I always try to get across, but the wording is less personal (and thus triggering) than I've used in the past.
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