Adopted children aren't an obligation or priority? WHAT??!!!

I came here to write about Princess starting midterm exams this morning and how we sat in the driveway tapping while we waited for BFF and her mom to pick her up for school.  But then I clicked on this post in my reader:  "And the crap spouse of the year award goes to . . ." and was horrified.

And it wasn't her husband's actions that sickened me (though they are truly awful).  It was the way the commenters persecuted her for being committed to ALL of her children.

This momma and her husband adopted a teenage girl from the foster care system about a year ago.  This was after they lost a baby a few years before and struggled with infertility.  They also have a seven-year-old bio daughter.

The teen behaves like a traumatized teen who spent her life bouncing from home to home, suffering abuse and neglect and not having the chance to learn to trust adults.  Big surprise, right?  Well, apparantly it was to her husband.  He's used none of the tools and resources given to them during their training and has refused to accept that his methods are simply not working.

The situation turned violent yesterday and he left.

Oh, yeah.  I neglected to mention that the mom is nine months pregnant - a very unexpected blessing.  The pregnancy has been high-risk and exhausting.  They've all been living in a war zone as the result of her husband's refusal to accept that traumatized children have special needs.

Now he's walked out and she's left with an even more traumatized and unstable teen because of it, plus a seven-year-old who now has lots of trauma herself from the constant stress that has been going on.  And she's going to give birth any day with no one to care for her other two children.

That's an awful lot to deal with all at once.  Actually, any one part of it would be overwhelming to most of us.

She turned to the blogging community to vent and for support.  And this is what she got back:

"I can't imagine choosing a dangerous, unstable, violent teenager over the safety of my child, my unborn child, and my marriage. You've called her violent, you've called your home unsafe, and admitted that you can't protect your other child, all within the space of this one single post. I don't care that she's only 15--some people are past helping and not worth helping. I can't believe that a woman who has already lost a child would endanger her two living children just for the sake of not wanting to hurt someone who clearly needs more help than she can provide in the name of not wanting to be the bad guy or be selfish. I'm sorry, but at the end of the day, you ultimately have no obligation to this girl, but you DO have an obligation to your actual children."

WHAT????

My mind was blown.

Then I kept reading and the next commenter AGREED!

"Totally agree with the above. Flower (the teen) needs to leave, I couldn't live like that either, I don't blame your poor husband but the timing sucks. You need to really think about your priorities."

I am shocked, horrified and so saddened by the judgement this poor mamma has received.   Her priorities are to protect, love and care for ALL of her children!  The baby who is due any day, her seven-year-old bio daughter and the teenager she adopted.

She adopted this girl.  She absolutely has an obligation to her.  Princess's legal and official birth certificate has MY NAME listed as her mother and HUBSTER listed as her father.  We are her legal parents, just as if she'd been born from us biologically.  I can't imagine loving her any more if she came from my tummy, but all that aside, she's legally my child.  Those commenters clearly don't understand how adoption works.

She "needs to go" and isn't "worth helping"?  ARGH!!!!

She's a terrified child who moved in with a family after years of abuse, neglect, rejection, abandonment and bouncing around the foster care system.  The father has done nothing to try to understand her and having a new baby coming in to the mix has gotta be so scary for her.  She must be wondering what it means for her and her place in the family.

My heart breaks for this poor girl, her devastated and overwhelmed momma, her frightened little sister and the new baby who's time in the womb has been filled with chaos going on outside.

But even more so, I feel so much sadness that people think so little of adoption and traumatized children.

Anyone in the Florida panhandle with some ideas for this family?  I wish I lived closer, but it is about a 10-hour drive from me, even though I'm also in Florida.

Yes, parenting trauma is SOOOOO freaking hard and this family has way more layers to deal with than we do since Princess is our only child, but I think of this sweet smile and I just can't fathom how someone would think she was anything less than 100% my daughter with all of the "obligation" and making her a "priority" that entails.